Marriage

"It took thirty years of meticulous preparation to be single, but just hundred days of married status" ktb. I still look at my ceiling fan, when I retire to bed, and, though not prejudiced, but I think out of pattern, I shall get the question( standard) "what am I thinking".
What am i thinking? This FAN. Yes, this is the first thing to ever come up as an introduction to a greater concepts of a personal freedom in marriage. She said, " let it be on, its too stuffy in here (honestly I did not derive a meaning than what it sounded). I was rather shivering, wanted to cover and tuck myself. My feet were cold. Yes . Had a cold feet.( Perhaps, it had more meaning than it sounded).
The Dusk
Eyes speak, when I was leaving for work, she looked through the window, made me joyous. Amidst the chaotic moments of life, she looks with an unknown language. I wonder if this is a feminine language. Now when I read eyes are windows of soul, I tend to ask, which eyes, silent, talking, tearing, open, or closed eyes. I am still an illiterate.
When the language of eyes stop the language of tongue begin. What of you can you say when you speak of you in terms of the moments that passed or that to come? (Thinking). She is comfortable in talking of happened things or planning things,( so are many people ) I ask them where or what is your present. I understood now , as I suffer like performing an ardent task in talking of things that are by gone and things awaited. So are others in talking their honest present. We as individual have faced different threat to evolve into different persons, or even faced a same threat but reacted differently. So, we are in no right to label. The Nights. Knowledge,( incomplete) all my learned knowledge turned out to be of no help. I learn and I am learning. Nudity, that has become equivalent to sex due to the capitalist's economic manipulation. Every bit of skin sells a product, every bare six pack symbolises something to sex. Alas! We as self, as intelligence, as concepts, as ideas are governed. I believed nudity in my world, had a greater meaning( greater not in terms of reverence but in terms of rarity). Nudity meant a hard laborious work, art, motherhood, poverty, devotion, self denial, childhood and so on. My favourite one of these was nudity meaning vulnerability to the core. My knowledge ( incomplete) always said, the physical defences of dress is shed only after the mental defences are surrendered or defeated. I am wrong. I find nudity can be strength, nudity can be a camoflauge. The meaningless skin can hide any meaningful soul.
The Dawn.
Are you happy? For me an intimidating question but not an unanswerable ! I did not know why after a series of incomprehensible sounds and inappropriately timed silence, I got an answer from her, " I am not."( of course, I believe it was momentary ). I asked her why, again followed by incomprehensible sounds and inappropriately timed silence ( I call it chinese, though it is nothing similar to Ni hao or xie xie) " because, I had a dream, an image, and rehearsed scenes, which is not coinciding with you. Thats right, everything is subjective. Every minute detail is subjective. We live in a world of our self reflection. We are the world. We do not let anything be, but rather demand or expect to be or become closer to our ideation. Every single entity of this wife spread out world is converted into a mirror, to be looked, to be liked, to be sorted, to be accepted by us. Weird! Even sex is subjective! No matter, if princess beautiful or prince charming is by your side with all the influenced definition of beauty, what does matter is the other reflecting ones idea of pleasure through this unspoken communication. Weirdest! I read that even taste is subjective. Not everybody might like the dark chocolate oozing cake named as choco ecstasy( possible) which I like.
The Days.
" Do you love me"? She asked.
"Why do you ask?" ( Not a right answer I know but I know my limitation when it comes to romance)
" coz, you dont let me do any of your things"
" In time, I shall be confident of my love and I dont want somebody to aid my work"
A sinister smile
" why do you smile?".
" you would change".
Then, I realised we are in am ideological war. We as humans, are ever ready to wage the most passive but violent ideological war as soon as we acquaint someone. We measure our steps, our truth, our environment, in a precise calculated strategy before we accept another. I now doubt if every war is result of miscommunication. In a world of this sophistication where everyone is talking, texting, chatting with someone, we still have war. Perhaps, its due to the primitiveness in us to wage a war and not a step towards am ideological understanding.